Braking his own heart
by redrose2310
Summary: This story starts in season 4. After Veronica, Shawn has realized something about himself. He doesn't like himself at all. Can Shawn find somebody who will love the real him? can he find a way to love himself? And what will Cory think? Slash later on, One sided Shawn/Cory , Shawn/? some cross-dressing and Confusion


This story starts in season 4. After Veronica, Shawn has realized something about himself. He doesn't like himself at all. Can Shawn find somebody who will love the real him? can he find a way to love himself? And what will Cory think? Slash later One sided Shawn/Cory , Shawn/?

Chapter One

Shawn paced back and forth. Uncle Mary was sitting on his couch watching Shawn pace and painting his nails. Uncle Mary looked just like Uncle Mike only with long black hair in curlers, his legs shaven, a floral print dress and a healthy bit of lipstick.

"Why do I feel like this Uncle Mary?" Shawn finally asked.

"Just Mary doll. Why do you feel like what?"

"Why do I feel worthless?" Shawn asked which was pretty deep topic to bring up to somebody in his family but Mary was the drama king of the trailer park and Shawn figured he'd be the one to talk to. "Except when I was dressed up for the paper I felt like.. like.."

"Like what Shawn?" Mary pushed a knowing smirk on his face.

"I felt like a princess okay." Shawn grumbled face red and looking at the floor.

"And you liked it."

"No uncle Mary. I loved it."

"Well cool." Mary said with a laugh.

"How is this at all cool?"

"Well now you can dress up and go out with me instead of dating a thousand girls a week that you clearly don't even like."

Shawn blushed but glared at Mary. "You date more girls then I do."

"That my sweet is because I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body."

Shawn snorted but hugged his uncle. Maybe being Veronica on the weekends would make him feel better the rest of the week. It wasn't like anyone in the trailer park would care.

"Sounds like fun."

Shawn blushed and made his way home. He had to give Little Cory a bath and figure out weather or not he should warn his parents about his weekend plans. Shawn smiled then. He would let it be a surprise.

When Cory asked Shawn Friday who he was taking out that weekend Shawn replied.

"Nobody. I have a family thing."

To which Cory covered his ears and yelled in a terrified voice "No Details! No details I'm to pretty for prison."

So that Friday after school Shawn went to the local dollar store picked up some razors, a bottle of perfume that was light and floral smelling and some make-up and nail polish as the stuff he'd used before were Topanga's on loan. He got a cheaper version of what he'd worn before.

That night Shawn shaved his underarms and his legs.

He dreamed of the look Cory had given him when he'd carried Veronica's book. When he gave her the once over. Even the way Gary drool over her. She was what Shawn wanted to be. She was what Shawn would be. He had to be her.

The next day Shawn spent hours in his room going threw the clothing he had over and over again trying to perfect Veronica's look. He didn't have lots of things to choice from but what he did have wasn't to bad. The bra and heels did enough to make him look like a girl in any of the clothes, makeup left no real question.

Shawn stood nervously in-front of his bedroom door that night his make up perfect, his hair gelled and curled in a feminine way 'Uncle Mike said Wigs were a give away and to work with what he had' and dressed in a the same black velvet dress he'd wore on the date with Gary no pantyhose this time and a pair of open toed shoes.

How was his dad going to react? How would his mom? What if the Matthews found out and banned him from their family. Shawn took a deep breath and let it out.

He was beautiful. Tonight he would glide and giggle and feel like a princess again. That had to be worth the risk. He really needed it to be.

His best Veronica smile in place Shawn opened the door and walked out into the Livingroom/Kitchen. Virna paused in her dish washing and gaped at Shawn a minute.

"How much trouble are you in?" She asked with a sigh.

"None." Shawn replied.

"Okay, keep that way." Virna said and went back to the dishes.

"Uuuu." Chet said looking away from the TV for the first time at Virna's question. "You look pretty?"

"Thanks." Shawn said brightly at his father's confused complement.

"Are you a lesbian in a man's body too?" Chet asked.

"Uhh" Shawn blush really deep. "No."

"Oh." Chet said. "Well be a good boy. Anybody gets fresh I'm kicking their ass weather you want me to or not."

"Yes sir." Shawn replied still blushing. "I'm going out now. Bye."

"Bye sweety!" Virna called out.

"Be home by 10." Chet called.

"10!" Shawn stopped short. "I haven't had to be home by 10 ever here."

"And now you do. You dress like a lady, you best act like one. 10o'clock."

"Yes sir."

Shawn pouted as he left the trailer. Walking across The Pink Flamingo Trailer Park was different for Shawn tonight then it normally was for one big reason. Everyone was making cat calls at him.

Shawn met Mary at the entrance of the trailer park he was waiting in his car.

"Hey uncle Mary." Shawn said settling into the front seat.

"Hey Veronica." Mary said with a big smile. "No uncle tonight okay kiddo. Just Mary. Oh you do clean up nice."

"Thanks." Shawn said with a blashful smile. "So where are we going?"

"The Lounge." Mary said with a big smile. "Over my the airport."

"Kay."

The Lounge was nice. Low lit place with little round tables with a rose on each one, a few booths to the back, white Christmas light strung around the ceiling gave a pretty effect, there was soft classical music playing and at the bar people were drinking martinis and wine. Shawn noticed a couple of men at one table holding hands and whispering together and a group of girls laughing and flirting in one of the booths.

"Come on sweety." Mary said and pushed Shawn farther into the room.

They sat at one of the tables and a waitress came right to their table.

"Heya Mary. What can I get you and this little cutie today?"

"Hello Lilly might I say you are breath taking tonight." Mary said with a leer to which 'Lilly' giggled.

"Oh you flirt."

"I will have a glass of white wine and my friend will have a Shirley Temple."

"Gotcha." the waitress said and walked away with an extra swing in her hips.

"You dog you." Shawn teased with a giggle.

"I am but a humble woman." mary replied.

"As humble as a strutting cat."

"Meow." Mary replied and Shawn giggled.

The drinks came and Shawn and Mary sipped at their drinks and talked. They talked about the family drama, they talked about who was in jail, most notable was Eddie who had gotten fifteen to life for stabbing a guy,who was getting out soon. They talked about silly things like lip gloss or lip stick. And they talked about why Shawn had dated so many girls.

The truth was Shawn was lonely and unhappy and tried to get rid of the feeling by filling with girls. But he dumped them before it got serious because deep down he knew he didn't really want any of them. Didn't care about them beyond they were pretty or fun to hang out with. Shawn told Mary he had been in and out of love with his best friend since sixth grade and had just been lying to himself about it. He told him about how he wanted what Cory had with Topanga but that he didn't think he would ever find the right person for him. He told him that being Veronica and going on that date had just opened his eyes to why nothing he was trying ever worked.

Mary told him that he'd become Mary to hide from the law but he kept being her because it had felt right. It became who he was. And he liked that.

Shawn was very happy to have somebody to talk to about this.

~%~

A/N more to come soon. And with it Angst and confusion for poor old Shawny.


End file.
